How to Attract a Guy (Without Performing, Pretending, or Playing Games)

Look, I’m going to be real with you: if one more dating guru tells me to “be mysterious” or “wait three days to text back,” I’m going to scream into the void.

We’ve all been fed this nonsense that attracting someone requires you to basically cosplay as a different person—someone cooler, more aloof, less interested in true crime documentaries at 2 AM.

Here’s the truth bomb your best friend needs to drop on you: the right guy isn’t going to fall for your performance. He’s going to fall for you. And honestly? That’s way less exhausting.

So here’s exactly how to attract a guy for real (& not just a fling).

1. Stop Auditioning for a Role You Don’t Even Want

First things first—let’s talk about what we’re NOT doing. We’re not laughing at jokes that aren’t funny. We’re not pretending to love camping when you consider “roughing it” to be a hotel without room service.

And we’re absolutely not playing dumb because some 1950s dating manual said men like to feel smart.

You know what’s actually attractive? Authenticity. Revolutionary concept, I know.

When you’re genuinely yourself, you filter out the guys who wouldn’t be compatible anyway. If he can’t handle that you have strong opinions about whether cereal is a soup (it’s not, and I will die on this hill), then he’s not your person. And that’s good information to have early.

Pro Tip: The goal isn’t to attract ALL guys. It’s to attract the RIGHT guy. Quality over quantity, always.

2. Be Interesting, Not “Mysterious”

There’s this toxic idea floating around that you need to be an enigma wrapped in a riddle. That you should never fully explain yourself, always leave him guessing, blah blah blah.

But here’s the thing: mystery is boring after date three. You know what’s actually engaging? Being a person with hobbies, opinions, and a life that doesn’t revolve around whether he texted back.

Instead of playing coy about your interests, lean INTO them. Passionate about medieval history? That’s way more attractive than pretending you don’t have thoughts. Obsessed with your sourdough starter? Own it. The right person will find your enthusiasm infectious, not intimidating.

Example: Instead of “Oh, I don’t really do much on weekends,” try “I’ve been trying to perfect my grandmother’s pasta recipe and I’m currently in a blood feud with bechamel sauce.” See? Actual personality. Memorable. Real.

3. Show Interest Without Losing Yourself

Here’s where it gets tricky, and where a lot of advice goes sideways. Yes, you should show interest if you’re interested. No, you shouldn’t morph into his personal cheerleader who abandons all her plans.

There’s a middle ground between playing hard to get and being too available, and it’s called “having boundaries and a life.”

If he asks you out for Friday but you already have plans with friends, you can say, “I can’t Friday, but I’m free Saturday if that works?” You’re not rejecting him; you’re just… existing as a person with commitments. Wild concept.

Pro Tip: Don’t cancel existing plans to see him, especially early on. It sets a precedent that you’ll drop everything, and it’s not sustainable. Plus, maintaining your friendships and hobbies makes you more interesting. Win-win.

4. Flirt Like a Human, Not a Formula

The internet will tell you that flirting requires specific techniques: touch his arm for exactly 2.3 seconds, maintain eye contact for this long, laugh at this frequency. It’s exhausting and weird.

Real flirting is just… playful conversation. Teasing that’s actually funny. Genuine compliments. Asking questions because you’re actually curious about the answer.

Examples of human flirting:

“Wait, you’re telling me you’ve never seen The Princess Bride? I’m not saying this is a dealbreaker, but I’m also not NOT saying that.”
“That’s the worst take on pizza I’ve ever heard. Explain yourself immediately.”
“You just quoted my favorite book. Are you trying to make me fall for you, or…?”

Notice how none of these are scripted? They’re responses to actual conversation. That’s the secret—you can’t formulaically flirt your way into someone’s heart. You have to actually engage.

P.S. If he ever tells you you’re “too much,” he’s actually telling you he’s “not enough.” Believe him and move on.

5. Communicate Like an Adult (Revolutionary, I Know)

Playing games is for board game night, not relationships. If you want to see him again, you can say that. If something bothers you, you can mention it. If you’re confused about where things are going, you can ask.

I’m not saying you need to lay out your entire emotional landscape on date two, but pretending you don’t care when you do? That’s just lying with extra steps.

Example: After a great date, instead of waiting an arbitrary amount of time to text, you can just… text. “Had a great time tonight. We should do this again.” Done. No games, no stress, no wondering if you seem “too eager.”

The guys worth dating will appreciate clear communication. The guys who get scared off by basic honesty? Trash took itself out.

6. Bring Your Whole Self to the Table

This might be the most important one: don’t hide the parts of yourself you think might be “too much.” Your ambition, your independence, your strong opinions, your weird sense of humor, your 47-step skincare routine—all of it.

Because here’s what happens when you downplay yourself: even if you “get” the guy, you’ll have to maintain that smaller version of yourself. And that’s exhausting. Eventually, the real you will emerge (because you’re a human, not a method actor), and if he’s not into the real you, the whole thing falls apart anyway.

Pro Tip: Pay attention to how he reacts when you share things that matter to you. Does he engage? Ask questions? Seem genuinely interested? Or does he dismiss, minimize, or change the subject? That tells you everything.

The Ultimate Litmus Test

Here’s how you know if you’re being authentic: ask yourself, “Could I sustain this version of myself long-term?”

If you’re pretending to love sports, how long can you keep that up? If you’re hiding your career ambition, what happens when you get promoted? If you’re acting chill when you’re actually a planner, how will that work when you’re trying to book a vacation together?

Attraction based on pretense isn’t attraction—it’s marketing. And eventually, the product has to match the advertisement.

The Bottom Line

Attracting the right guy without performing isn’t about having zero strategy—it’s about making sure your strategy is “be the most genuine version of myself and see who’s into that.”

Will this approach attract everyone? Nope. But it will attract people who like you, which is literally the entire point.

So stop dimming your light, stop pretending to be chill when you have feelings, stop laughing at bad jokes. Be opinionated. Be enthusiastic. Be yourself, but like, the well-rested, confident version who knows her worth.

Because the guy who’s right for you isn’t looking for a performance. He’s looking for a partner. And you can’t build something real on a foundation of fake.

Now go forth and be your authentic, slightly sarcastic, probably-too-honest self. The right person will think it’s perfect.

How to Attract a Guy (Without Performing, Pretending, or Playing Games)

So here’s exactly how to attract a guy for real (& not just a fling).