How to Get Over a Breakup (Without Losing Your Mind or Your Dignity)

So, it’s over. Maybe you saw it coming. Maybe it blindsided you like a truck you didn’t see backing out of a driveway. Either way, you’re here now, probably eating ice cream at an hour that would horrify your therapist, wondering if you’ll ever feel normal again.

Spoiler alert: you will. But not today, and probably not tomorrow. And anyone who tells you to “just get over it” deserves to step on a Lego.

Here’s what I’m going to give you: real talk from someone who’s been there, done that, and bought the emotional baggage after 7 years of a relationship.

This isn’t going to be some toxic positivity “everything happens for a reason” nonsense. This is the actual, messy, sometimes ugly process of getting your life back after someone else took up residence in it.

Let’s do this. Let’s get over a breakup for real.

Phase 1: The Immediate Aftermath (AKA The Danger Zone)

1. Feel Your Feelings (Yes, All of Them)

First things first: stop trying to be strong, stop trying to be rational, and for the love of everything, stop telling yourself “I’m fine.”

You’re not fine. You’re a mess. And that’s OKAY.

Cry in your car. Cry in the shower. Cry while watching a commercial about dogs finding their forever homes. Your body needs to release this, and bottling it up just means it’ll explode later at an inconvenient time, like during a work presentation or at the DMV.

Pro Tip: Set a timer. Give yourself 30 minutes to absolutely fall apart. Ugly cry, scream into a pillow, whatever you need. Then wash your face, drink some water, and do something else. Rinse and repeat as needed.

2. Resist the Urge to Do Something Stupid

I know what you’re thinking. You want to:

Text them “one last time” to get closure
Check their social media to see if they’re sad too
Drive by their house (please don’t)
Post a cryptic Instagram story aimed at them
Sleep with their friend/your ex/a random stranger
Drunk dial them at 2 AM
Send a 47-paragraph email explaining your feelings

Reality Check: None of these things will make you feel better. They will make you feel worse AND embarrassed. I’m begging you: hands off the phone. Log out of Instagram. Delete their number if you have to.

Example: You typed out the text. It’s perfect. It says everything you need to say. Now DELETE IT. Screenshot it, send it to your group chat, but do not send it to them. Nothing good has ever come from a breakup text after 9 PM.

3. No Contact Is Not Negotiable

I don’t care if you “ended on good terms.” I don’t care if you “want to stay friends.” I don’t care if you have a dog together.

For the next 30-90 days MINIMUM, you need to go no contact. Block, unfollow, mute—whatever you need to do to not see them or be tempted to reach out.

You can’t heal a wound if you keep picking at it. And seeing their Instagram story of them looking happy at brunch is picking at it.

Pro Tip: Tell a trusted friend to be your accountability partner. Give them permission to physically take your phone if you’re drunk or emotional and talking about texting your ex.

Phase 2: The Grief Rollercoaster (Buckle Up)

4. Understand You’re Going to Backslide

Some days you’ll feel fine. You’ll wake up and think, “I’ve got this! I’m over it!”

Then you’ll hear a song that was “your song” at Target, and suddenly you’re crying in the cereal aisle.

This is normal. Grief isn’t linear. You’re going to have good days and terrible days, sometimes within the same hour. Stop expecting yourself to be “over it” on a schedule.

Reality Check: If you were together for years, it’s going to take more than two weeks to stop caring. Give yourself permission to heal at your own pace, not at the pace Instagram influencers suggest.

5. Delete, Block, and Purge

Time for the hard stuff. You need to remove their presence from your daily life:

Digital purge:

Delete photos from your phone (or at least move them to a folder you can’t easily access)
Unfollow/block on all social media
Delete text threads (screenshot if you need to, then delete)
Remove them from streaming service accounts
Unfollow their friends and family if seeing them hurts

Physical purge:

Box up their stuff and anything that reminds you of them
Rearrange your space so it doesn’t look the same
Wash your sheets (this is weirdly cathartic)
Get rid of gifts that make you sad (donate, trash, whatever)

Pro Tip: Don’t throw everything away in a rage. Put it in a box, tape it shut, give it to a friend for safekeeping. You might want some of it later when you’ve healed. But you don’t need to look at it now.

6. Stop Stalking Their Social Media

I know you want to know if they’re suffering. I know you want to see if they’ve moved on. I know you’re convinced that checking “just once” won’t hurt.

You’re wrong.

Stalking their social media is like drinking poison and expecting them to die. You’re only hurting yourself, and they don’t even know you’re doing it.

Example: You check their Instagram. They posted a photo looking happy. Now you’re spiraling: “Are they over me already? Did I mean nothing? Are they with someone new?” None of this information helps you. It only makes you feel worse.

Reality Check: Social media is a highlight reel. Even if they’re posting happy photos, you have no idea what’s happening behind the scenes. And more importantly? It doesn’t matter. Focus on YOUR healing, not their Instagram story.

Phase 3: The Rebuilding Phase (This Is Where It Gets Good)

7. Rediscover Who You Are Without Them

When you’re in a relationship, especially a long one, you kind of merge identities. You become “we” instead of “I.” Now it’s time to figure out who “I” is again.

Questions to ask yourself:

What do I actually like to do, versus what we did together?
What hobbies did I abandon for this relationship?
What friends did I neglect?
What dreams did I put on hold?
Who was I before them, and who do I want to be now?

Example: You realize you stopped going to yoga classes because they thought it was “boring.” Go back. You remember you used to love painting but gave it up because you “didn’t have time” (you had time, you just spent it with them). Paint again.

8. Invest in Yourself Like You’re a Startup

Take all that energy you were putting into the relationship and redirect it into YOU.

Physical investment:

Join a gym, take a class, try a new sport
Get a haircut (but maybe wait until you’re emotionally stable—breakup bangs are real)
Take care of your health—sleep, eat real food, move your body

Mental investment:

Go to therapy (seriously, this helps so much)
Read books that challenge you
Learn something new
Journal your thoughts instead of texting them

Social investment:

Reconnect with friends you neglected
Make new friends through hobbies or classes
Say yes to invitations even when you don’t feel like it

Pro Tip: This is not about becoming a “better version of yourself to make them regret it.” This is about becoming a better version of yourself for YOU. The fact that they might see it and feel regret is just a bonus.

9. Create New Memories and Routines

The hard part about breakups is that everything reminds you of them. That coffee shop, that restaurant, that entire season of the year.

So create new associations:

Find a new coffee spot
Rearrange your furniture
Take a different route to work
Start new shows (don’t finish shows you were watching together—that’s torture)
Create new rituals that are just yours

Example: Sunday mornings were brunch together. Now Sunday mornings are farmers market and solo breakfast in the park with a good book. You’re not replacing the ritual—you’re creating a new one that’s entirely yours.

10. Let Your Friends Be There for You (But Don’t Abuse It)

Your friends love you. They want to help. Let them.

But also: don’t make them your emotional dumping ground 24/7 for six months. There’s a difference between needing support and trauma-bonding over the same story on repeat.

Good friend behavior:

Accepting invitations to distract yourself
Crying on their shoulder when you need to
Letting them remind you of your worth
Being grateful for their patience

Bad friend behavior:

Calling at 3 AM drunk and crying every weekend
Only talking about your ex for months on end
Expecting them to drop everything every time you’re sad
Refusing to try to move forward

Pro Tip: Diversify your emotional support. Friends, family, therapist, support group, journal. Don’t put it all on one person.

Phase 4: The Danger Zones (Watch Out for These)

11. The Rebound Trap

You’re lonely. You miss intimacy. You see someone attractive who’s interested. Suddenly a rebound seems like a great idea.

Sometimes rebounds are exactly what you need—they remind you that other people exist and find you attractive. But more often? They’re a bandaid on a bullet wound.

Signs you’re not ready to date:

You’re still comparing everyone to your ex
You’re using dating to avoid dealing with your feelings
You’re looking for someone to “fix” you
You can’t talk about your ex without getting emotional
You’re dating people who are completely wrong for you as a form of self-sabotage

Reality Check: There’s no specific timeline, but generally, you should be okay being alone before you try to be with someone new. If the thought of being single makes you panic, you’re not ready.

12. The “Maybe We Can Fix This” Delusion

They text you. Or you run into them. Or it’s been a few weeks and you’re remembering the good times and forgetting why it ended.

Before you reach out to “try again,” remember:

Why did it end?
Have those reasons actually changed?
Are you missing them, or just missing having someone?
Is this loneliness talking, or genuine love?

Example: You broke up because they were emotionally unavailable and wouldn’t commit. It’s been three weeks. They text “miss you.” Nothing has changed. They’re still emotionally unavailable. You’re just lonely. Don’t do it.

Pro Tip: Make a list of all the reasons it ended and all the ways you were unhappy. Keep it in your phone. Read it every time you think about going back.

13. The Comparison Trap

You will compare your life to theirs. You’ll wonder if they’re happier without you. You’ll worry they’ve moved on faster. You’ll agonize over whether they’re dating someone new.

Stop.

Their journey is not your journey. How fast or slow they move on has nothing to do with your worth or how much you meant to them. Some people jump into new relationships immediately because they can’t be alone. Some people take years to date again. Neither says anything about you.

Reality Check: You’re not in a race. There’s no prize for “getting over it” faster. Focus on YOUR healing, not their timeline.

Phase 5: The Other Side (Yes, There Is One)

14. You’ll Know You’re Healing When…

You can hear a song that reminds you of them and just change it instead of spiraling
You stop checking if they’ve viewed your stories
You can talk about them without your voice cracking
You have a whole day without thinking about them
You feel genuinely happy about something unrelated to them
You’re excited about your future instead of mourning your past
You see them (or a photo) and feel… nothing. Just neutral.

Example: You run into them at a party. Your heart doesn’t race. Your stomach doesn’t drop. You say hi, exchange pleasantries, and move on with your night. That’s when you know.

15. The Perspective Shift

One day—and you won’t see it coming—you’ll wake up and realize you’re okay. More than okay. You’ll realize that the breakup, as painful as it was, made space for something better.

Maybe that’s a better relationship later. Maybe it’s a better relationship with yourself. Maybe it’s achieving goals you wouldn’t have pursued if you’d stayed. Maybe it’s just peace.

Pro Tip: Keep a record of your journey. Journal entries, voice notes, whatever. One day you’ll look back and barely recognize the person who was devastated. You’ll be amazed at how far you’ve come.

16. What You’ll Learn

Every breakup teaches you something if you let it:

What you need in a relationship
What you won’t tolerate again
How to be alone without being lonely
That you’re stronger than you thought
That endings can be beginnings

P.S. If they come back after you’ve healed and moved on, remember: you let them go for a reason. Don’t let loneliness or nostalgia make you forget why it ended. You survived the breakup. Don’t volunteer for a sequel.

P.P.S. Yes, you will love again. No, it won’t feel exactly the same. That’s okay. Different doesn’t mean less. Sometimes it means more.

How to Get Over a Breakup (Without Losing Your Mind or Your Dignity)

Let’s do this. Let’s get over a breakup for real.